With all the bad rep that online dating is getting in recent years, more singles are ditching dating apps. But can anyone honestly find online dating success anymore? Should you even bother paying for a membership?
This will be the most comprehensive guide you will ever find on the best online dating tips so that you can be successful in finding your special someone using dating platforms. Why? Because we have been there, done it, and can come out of it saying we are successful because we have been married for over 20 years now (at the time of writing this, 21 years and counting). So it is entirely possible that you can find your potential partner online (if this is the method you choose) – as long as you use the right approach.
In this blog, you will learn more about how to find success with online dating, including what you should tell your nosey friends and family members about being online, how much to involve your friends and family in your online adventures, knowing your reasons for finding love online, picking the right singles site based on what you value and your intentions, how to create a dynamic online dating profile that wows everytime, how to recognize bad dates, when is the right time to move from the virtual to physical realm, and even how to increase the chances of your long distance relationship working out, if you’re involved in one.
Secret #1: Know your reasons for going online.
Looking back, I wish I had known exactly what I expected in my true love. It would certainly have helped me avoid some really major headaches and heartaches if I had only been more focused in my search.
Before you pick your ideal singles site for internet dating, I would suggest that you take a few moments to reflect on the following questions:
Why are you looking for love online?
If you’re like me, my search for my true love through offline dating met a dead end. Somehow, the men I met just didn’t quite possess the qualities that turned me on. So I turned to online dating for a number of reasons: obviously, I wanted to cast a wider net. I mean, what better way to increase your chances of finding someone special than by opening the door to the entire world?
I was also getting a little lazy. After a hard day’s work, I much preferred to go home, have dinner and a shower, and then log on to my computer where I could ‘look for love’ in the comfort of my bedroom. I didn’t have to go out meeting people. I could just look for people online, chat about their hobbies and interests, and hopefully, find potential matches! So, looking for my special someone without having to leave my bedroom just seemed like a bonus. I “killed many birds” by sending out many messages to people I found interesting and hoped to get messages back. This is a common reason why many choose to use dating apps, because people are getting so busy these days with so many commitments pulling you in all different directions.
If you’re looking for love online because you feel you’re not physically attractive enough; or that you’re emotionally lacking in some way because you’ve been ‘burned’ in past relationships, you need to first sort out your personal feelings of inadequacy before you look for your true love.
Love is love. It doesn’t matter whether it happens online or IRL. If you don’t believe you can be the best true love for someone out there, you will never find the best true love for you.
I fell into this trap many years ago when I was new at the online dating scene. I had felt really empty within myself because of a series of personal failures in my relationships and goals in my life. I was suffering from a low self-esteem and thought that I could fill this void within me if I could find a special man for my life. But that strategy never works because no one, and nothing on earth, can fill that void in you. Only you can. And if you choose to ignore it, it will cut you even deeper in many ways because you will keep making the wrong choices for your life.
What type of person are you looking for?
It really helps to get a good idea of what you’re looking for in your true love to have online dating success. Of course, the person you ultimately call your true love may not be everything you’re looking for, but it sure helps to focus your search online because as the saying goes, ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea’. And we don’t want to spend the rest of our lives looking for the right fish.
Make a list of all the things you desire in your true love, such as age range, physical appearance, certain character traits you admire, and even certain fetishes you may find irresistible, such as a ‘big toe’ (you’ve got to have some fun while you’re at it). Spare no traits or qualities – list them all! Then, ask yourself how flexible you are with each of the items you have listed.
For example, if you have always admired people who are extroverted and may wish for that in your true love, would you still consider having a long-term relationship with someone you meet online who is introverted?
In other words, which of the attributes in your list are absolute ‘must-haves’, and which are just icing on the cake?It is important to know what you expect in your true love before you even start looking for one and while you are still in the ‘right’ frame of mind. Because when you are chatting with someone interesting online, the euphoria caused by your raging hormones can easily cloud your judgment.
How far are you willing to move (if at all)?
The internet opens up the entire earth of potential mates for you! The question is not whether you will find someone, but rather, how much you would be willing to change your world.
One of the most crucial decisions you may have to make if you fall for someone long-distance is how far would you be willing to move, if at all?
When I first started going online, I didn’t really give that much thought. I guess my attitude was that there is only one true love for me in this big, wide world, and that if we found each other, we would make every effort to be together. But that really isn’t a very practical strategy because it doesn’t take into account the many barriers that can and do come into play if you do meet someone special from a part of the world that is very different from yours. These barriers include managing a long-distance relationship and making it work, dealing with cultural differences, being away from friends and family, and overcoming economic challenges (such as, would you be able to find a job if you moved). These considerations sure take away the romantic notion of finding your true love, don’t they? But these are things I never thought about when I first cast my net out onto the big, wide world.
Fortunately, I was open to the idea of moving halfway across the world to North America, and did end up doing so since my true love ended up being from Canada. Still, the barriers that exist in our relationship are present to this day. So ask yourself, how far are you willing to move, if at all, to experience that romantic life you have always dreamed about?
Secret #2: Don’t bother telling the skeptics in your life that you are looking for love online.
If you’re trying to convince skeptical friends and family members that online relationships can be successful, or tell them that you have been dating a very special guy online and believe he is possibly ‘the one’, here’s how to: DON’T!
First of all, accept that it is very natural for you to want to seek the approval of your friends and family, or at least want them to share your joy of having found your true love online. The reality is, it is common for online daters to feel alone in this journey. Plus, I was looking for potential mates halfway across the globe. I was sure my family would not appreciate the thought of me moving far away from home.
So be careful whom you tell about your online adventures because the negative influence of skeptical family members and friends could cause you to lose your faith in finding the man of your dreams online. And you could be really close to finding him if you would just press on.
Having said that, I did share with a few of my closest friends about a few guys I met online and they became my biggest cheerleaders. They were open-minded and trustworthy. And they were right beside me during the best of times, as well as the toughest moments, in my journey online.
If your friends and family members are supportive of your plans to find your true love online, then open up to them. Their objective opinions about your online relationship, when you enter into one, will be extremely valuable.
Secret #3: Pick the right singles site (or dating app).
If you want a quick dinner of sushi, you go to the local grocery store to pick some up. But if you want good, authentic sushi for dinner, you go to a fancy Japanese restaurant.
It’s really the same with picking the right singles’ site for you. If you are serious about your search for your true love, then you have to do some thinking about where you will go to find him or her. Don’t worry, it’s not hard. There are many singles’ sites and dating apps out there. But to pick the best one for you, look back at your answers to the questions I asked earlier – what are you looking for, and how far are you willing to move?
The thousands of singles’ sites today cater to all types of members. Whether you are looking for your true love based on location, ethnic background, religious background, personal interests, physical attributes, fetishes or even the amount of money he has in his bank account, you can be sure there is a singles’ site for that type of person out there. Make a note of not more than three ‘absolute must-haves’ attributes you want in your true love and look for the singles’ site that is most likely to have members with those attributes. Of course, you may want to register yourself in more than one website or app to increase your chances of meeting your special someone.
If you are just looking for something casual to start, you may not need to limit your search for your true love to your hometown, or if you would consider starting a new life in a new place. If you would consider moving, then you will need to prepare yourself for the natural consequences that come with this decision. The new challenges associated with a new life are exciting, but they aren’t a bed of roses either.
Depending on how open you are to the possibility of finding your true love outside your hometown, choose a singles’ site that helps you meet your objective. If you want to limit your search to someone who already lives close to you, then join singles’ sites or refine your search on a dating app to be more localized.
How much are you willing to spend?
Membership with online singles’ dating sites can range from being free of charge, to as much as US$50 a month or more for more premium services, like access to a dating coach, having an increased amount of messages or having access to a bigger pool of potential dates. You can usually get a discount off your membership fee if you sign up for a longer term.
Many sites also offer a free trial period with limited access to meet potential partners. You can sometimes get around paying for a dating app profile if you sign up using a different username every time during the free trial period. The disadvantage, of course, is that you may get limited access to the app, website and its members, and it would be difficult for members who are interested in you to locate you if your profile is always transient. There is also the added hassle of having to re-enter your profile every time you change your identity. If you are serious about your search for your true love, you should consider paying the membership fee and hang around long enough to be noticed. It took about a month before I met my husband online. It took him almost a year before he found me! So, if you’re not sure about the term of membership to sign up for, I’d recommend that you stay on middle ground – i.e. if you like the features offered in a certain singles’ site, start with the three- or six-month membership after using up your free trial period.
Why you shouldn’t use a free online dating site
Free singles’ sites get paid primarily through advertisements by other third party companies on their website. If you are not a fan of spam mails or scammers, beware of having your contact information being passed on to other affiliated and non-affiliated businesses. Read the fine print: some singles’ sites, including paid ones, may sell your information to third party businesses. Free sites can be notorious for using such revenue-generating tactics so make sure you read the terms of agreement before divulging your information.
The concept of “you get what you pay for” may also be true in some cases. Just think – if someone is at a stage of life where they are serious about looking for a special someone and ready to be in a serious relationship, would they be more likely to ramp up their search for a dream partner? Or are they just looking for a casual, flirty relationship or hookup that may or may not go anywhere? Someone who is serious about looking for his or her true love online would be more likely to pay for a serious membership, unless of course they are broke! This is not to say that we have anything against free online dating services, of course. People have found true love online from free services.
My advice would be for you to test the waters with a free singles’ site for at least a few weeks. Use that opportunity to refine your profile so that it presents you to the world effectively and gets you a reasonable number of messages. Then, if you are not satisfied with the quality of potential mates from the free site, sign yourself up for at least one reputable singles’ site just to improve your chances of finding love online. You never know.
Some of the big names in the industry include: Perfectmatch.com, eHarmony.com and Match.com. The obvious advantage of choosing a singles’ site which has a large membership base is that it increases your chances of finding your special someone. Conversely, though, the disadvantage of such a large membership base is that you can and will get lost in the crowd, which not only makes it harder for you to find your special someone, but it also makes it harder for your potential mate to find you. The bottomline is, finding your true love requires patience. You will need to devote a reasonable amount of time sifting through hundreds of profiles before you can find success.
One word of advice: don’t rely too much on the electronic matching service – the singles’ site where my husband and I met matched us at an extremely low 27%. Yet, we obviously had enough in common to be married and stay married for over 20 years! This is why having chemistry online is very different from having chemistry IRL. This is perhaps the biggest drawback of online dating. In my experience, I have had several online relationships – some for many months! There is always the possibility that when you actually meet in real life, there is just no chemistry. This is the beauty of human connections – there are many factors that go into that, and you will never really know if someone is “the one” until you actually meet in person. This is why we designed Secret RSVP – to allow singles to discover chemistry secretly without your potential interests knowing you are trying to explore if there is mutual chemistry.
Secret #4: Beware of dating apps.
I’m sure you are familiar with dating apps that have an element of “gamification” through swiping profiles and trying to find potential matches with romantic partners. Yes, I’m referring to Tinder. If your intention is to find your true love, it is highly unlikely that your “target audience” is looking for true love in Tinder. They are more likely to be in search of a casual relationship or hookup with willing parties, instead of anything serious.
Here are 3 “commonsense” reasons why such dating apps seldom work if you want to date with intention:
1. A match is based solely on a picture and profile.
It’s easy to get a match based purely on how attractive a person is. But seriously, you know that if you’re looking for your special someone for the long haul, it takes more than just looks to have a successful relationship. Sure, a match may lead to a first date but it really comes down to what you want from your experience with online dating. If you want to use online dating as a way to get a first or second date, flirt around, or boost your ego (research shows that 45% of Tinder users use it to boost their self-confidence), then Tinder is the right app for you.
2. The method of swiping through profiles is not a natural way to date.
Swiping is not a good online dating strategy. This is because the act of swiping is often done quickly, without much thought or attention to detail, and in the context of expectation that there are more profiles coming up. It’s no different from scrolling through headlines on your phone. The average time spent looking at a profile picture on Tinder is between 3 to 7 seconds. Considering that Tinder is the number one app in United States with over 4 million paid subscribers, only 50% of Tinder matches have actually met up in real life. Out of this number, only 25% report having a serious relationship.
3. Chemistry online does not always translate into chemistry IRL.
Have we emphasized enough yet that chemistry online is not the same as chemistry in person? So don’t put too much weight if you connect with someone online – have an open mind and be flexible. If you can, speed up the process of interacting online by shifting from messaging to having a video call as soon as possible. It will allow you to have a slightly better idea of how well you are both connecting. Don’t rush into meeting in-person too quickly if you are not sure. Check out our blog about when is the right time to meet someone you’ve met online in-person. Don’t go out with someone you are not comfortable with, or whom you haven’t spent enough time learning more about first. Our blog about how to know if someone really is a “player” or a “keeper” will help you determine if the person you are chatting with online is mate material.
Secret #5: Create a dynamite profile they cannot resist
According to an online dating eye-tracking study, men spend 65% more time reviewing photos from online dating profiles than women do. Unfortunately, you would hope they are actually reading about the stuff you’re including in your profile. Unfortunately, women spend 84 seconds evaluating a profile, while men spend only 58 seconds on a profile.
The sad reality is, men tend to be visual creatures; while women tend to be more selective. How can this statistic help you navigate online dating, particularly in the type of profile you create?
Here are 3 important things you should never take lightly when you are creating a dynamite profile that attracts the right kinda attention:
Your Photograph
Your photograph is SUPER important especially if you are looking for a guy. If you’re hesitant about including your photograph with your profile because you feel that your looks will not get you any ‘hits’, don’t let this fear stop you from including one. The reality is, the most attractive photographs will get the most hits. But that isn’t necessarily the best because you will get a lot of unwanted attention. Look, this is not a Miss or Mr Universe pageant – you’re looking for someone who will love you eventually for whom you are – flabs, fats, zits and all. If anything, your ‘girl or boy next door’ looks will help you screen out the wrong kind of guys, i.e. those jerks who want everything else except to have an open and honest relationship with you (assuming that you’re looking for an authentic relationship of course). So, present your best photograph and take your chances.
If someone has chosen not to respond to you because they don’t find you attractive, then that is their choice. Not everyone is going to find you attractive, no matter how attractive you are. Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Get your photograph professionally taken if you have to. A profile online is almost like a product on the shelf of a grocery store. To get noticed by a shopper, you really need to stand out. Make sure the picture you use is really you, of course, and is a fairly recent one. Please don’t be deceitful. Depending on the type of mate you are hoping to attract, it is also best to avoid using pictures that reveal too much skin. Don’t be sexually explicit – that might send the wrong message.
Your profile
Your profile is especially important if you’re a fellow looking for your lady. In general, women are attracted to men who express themselves at a deeper level. So in your profile, focus on these three things:
1. Describe yourself
First, ask yourself what makes you the best mate that anyone could possibly ask for. What are you proud of about yourself? What qualities do you think you have that make you such a special person? What would your potential mate be losing out on if she didn’t have you? How have your family and friends described you? What have others said are your strengths? Write all those qualities down on a piece of paper.
2. Describe your interests
Then, ask yourself what are some of the things that touch your heart or that make you excited. Try to go deeper than just hobbies. Communicate from your heart. For example, rather than simply ‘collecting stamps’, what other things in life really get your attention? What catches your eye when you read the news? What world issues stir your emotions? What types of stories move you when you read the newspaper or a magazine? When you communicate these things about yourself, you are relating at a level deeper than you would in a casual conversation. You are, after all, searching for your true love.
3. Describe your true love
If there are certain attributes you absolutely must have in your true love, then this is the place to describe him or her. But this is the tricky part: be general, not specific. That is, don’t turn potential mates off by sounding too demanding. You are not creating a shopping list. Remember, you may find love in the most unlikely place.
It is, however, acceptable to state your general preferences on things such as religious beliefs, character traits and marital status. This is because you may not be flexible on such things, and rightly so. You shouldn’t have to compromise your beliefs and principles just to find love online. Besides, such things really can have an impact on your lives together.
You should, however, stay clear of stating your preferences on things that may misrepresent whom you really are.
Refrain from using adjectives like ‘attractive’, ‘rich’, ‘muscular’, and ‘sexy’ because these are relative terms. Most people think of themselves as attractive, rich, muscular or sexy anyway, so you will have many responses from people who do not fit ‘the bill’ knocking on your door. You don’t want all that unnecessary attention because it will just make you lose your focus on what you are truly looking for. Besides, some potential matches may form a poor impression of you – particularly those who are really attractive, rich, muscular or sexy. That’s because they want someone who is interested in them for who they are – not because they are attractive, rich, muscular or sexy.
Now that you have a good idea of what to include about yourself, your interests and your ideal true love, use common keywords to describe each of these three things. For example, if you love cooking, make sure you use the word ‘cooking’ in your profile, as opposed to ‘whipping up exotic cuisines’. The reason for this is, someone who is looking for a potential mate who loves to cook would be more likely to use the word ‘cooking’ rather than ‘cuisines’ when doing a keyword search of online profiles. Using the right, common keywords would increase your chances of being browsed.
The most important point to remember, when creating your own profile, is to shift the focus of your profile from ‘what’s in it for me’ or ‘what I want in my mate’ to ‘what can my potential mate expect to get out of a relationship with me’?
Secret #6: Know the right time to meet IRL
The both of you have spent a considerable amount of time chatting and getting to know each other through a dating app and you’re wondering when is the right time to meet in person. You’ve shared your deepest thoughts and feelings with each other, and you feel that your communication has reached a brand new level. You enjoy each other’s company, and want to meet each other so badly on a first date. He’s the one – you feel it in your bones! You have even tried a couple of zoom calls, sent texts and chatted over the phone. When and how soon do you take the online relationship to the next level? When do you initiate a casual, face-to-face meeting?
Slow down! There is no rush, and definitely no one-size-fits-all formula on how many days after meeting online to transition into in-person meetings. Timing is key in your online relationship with someone online. In fact, timing is key in every relationship – no matter if it is a virtual meeting or a physical one. A transition from virtual to physical that happens either too slowly or too quickly can cause a breakdown in your relationship. And you can’t afford to have that happen because you feel in your heart of hearts that he is the one.
The problem with transitioning too quickly from online to IRL
The problem with progressing too quickly, especially if you are a lady, is that you probably haven’t spent enough time online getting to know each other and finding out whether he truly is your true love. While you may be able to spend time physically together when you meet in-person early in the relationship, you may be thrown into a premature, intimate situation with him. And the physical intimacy may get in the way of truly getting to know each other through open and genuine conversation.
It’s quite like a tempting triple-layered chocolate fudge cake – the spongy cake represents all the great things about you, like your winning personality and the wonderful person you are; while the triple-layered chocolate fudge is your sex. Once you dive into sexual intimacy with him, what other titillating parts of your cake is left for him to discover? Is your ‘spongy layer’ delicious enough to keep him coming for more?
If you are seeking a long-term relationship with your man, you need to remain interesting to him throughout the duration of your relationship with each other. Progressing too quickly from the virtual to the physical realm will only threaten an early death of your relationship if you deal your aces too early in the game.
When is the right time to transition?
The best length of time to move from chatting online to meeting in-person is not measured by the number of hours you have spent chatting with each other; or the amount of information you have exchanged during your chats. It’s about the extent to which you both connect and how certain you are that he is whom he says he is.
How well do you know each other? How deeply are you both able to share your thoughts and feelings? How intimate have you both been in your chats? If you truly believe that he has the potential to be your lifelong mate because of the way he makes you feel, and of course, he has aced the Ultimate Screen Test (it’s a questionnaire we developed to help you nail down if your guy is a player or keeper), then arrange a physical meeting! Even if you are halfway across the world, you may both find it worthwhile to take a trip and meet in-person. But before you take the plunge, the following tips will help you plan a safe and successful first meeting:
1/ Always make plans to meet in a public place.
Listen up, girlfriend! If you forget everything else I tell you in here, at least remember this: always, always meet in a public place for your first date.
A public place includes a restaurant during dining hours, a mall, a library, a café, or even a church. Do not meet in a park, no matter how much you both love the outdoors! Save that for a later date. I say this because you can never be too careful in your first meeting with a stranger. Even though you have spent countless of hours chatting and getting to know him through and through, it doesn’t make a difference. He is still a stranger in your physical world. And remember this: trust needs to be earned. You absolutely deserve it! You are not obligated to trust anyone whom you have never met in your life. And believe me, if he truly cares about you, he would agree that it is a good idea for you to meet him in a public place for the first time.
In my past, I met a few guys I chatted with online in a variety of places. Looking back, I was truly foolish and felt pressured on a few occasions regarding my venue choice for the first meeting. On that note, be wary of someone you are dating online is insistent about meeting up quickly. This should be a red flag for you. A good rule of thumb is to meet up IRL only when you feel ready to do so – avoid extremely last-minute dates, or feeling pressured into meeting in person. Someone who really cares about you would never make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
2/ If you are both traveling away from home, book separate hotel rooms.
Sure, you may have romantic intentions for your first meeting, particularly if you have already shared some intimate moments online. But my advice still stands: if you are both traveling from out of town, book separate hotel rooms – at least for the first night. For obvious reasons again, this is to keep yourself safe. But also, if for any reason you decide that he doesn’t meet your expectations as your true love, you have the option of not staying together for the night. If this is the case, be honest with him and tell him that you would prefer that you both stay in separate rooms, at least for the first evening. Trust me, it is more worthwhile to have to pay for two rooms than to be stuck in an awkward situation if he doesn’t turn out to be all that you thought he would be.
3/ Don’t expect too much from your first meeting.
It is very normal for your first meeting to turn out to be an anti-climactic experience. After all, the anticipation of finally meeting someone who could possibly be Mr Right has been building for a long time. But my advice to you is: get into the mindset of not expecting too much from your first meeting. There will be things about him that don’t turn out to be exactly what you had expected. Unless you feel strongly in your gut that he ain’t the one for you, or unless he lied to you about himself, give it some time. Get to know him in-person and then decide for yourself if he is really the one for you. Getting to know someone in real life can sometimes be a very different experience from knowing him online. It’s almost like starting from scratch!
My husband and I spent two years getting to know each other in-person before we were married. Throughout those two years, I learned so much about him that I didn’t know about during our online days. We literally started from scratch and dated for two years after that before getting married.
4/ It’s ok to change your mind about him after meeting IRL … but tell him at the right time!
If, for whatever reason, you meet in-person and change your mind about him being your true love, it is perfectly alright. That’s why you are both taking your online relationship to a physical level – to confirm the potential of your online relationship. But make sure you tell him about your decision at the right time. In some cases, it may be wiser to tell him your decision when you have both parted ways. I say this because some people may not take a break-up too well. And having just met him for the first time in-person, you may not be too familiar with his character and how he reacts during stressful situations. Of course, it is important to be honest and treat him with integrity – in that if you see no potential in your relationship, you should not lead him into believing that there is any. You can be considerate of his feelings by saying that you would need to spend more time with him online and in-person before you can make the right decision. It is important to be honest, but it is also important to take care of yourself and take every precaution possible to make sure you are safe, not sorry.
By the same token, there is the possibility that when your guy meets you, he may change his mind about you as his true love. If that is the case, ask yourself, how will you take the news? Would you prefer him to break the news to you while you are still physically together? Or would you rather learn about it when you are apart? I’m sure you wouldn’t want him to play with your feelings either, so don’t play with his.
Your first meeting is not unlike a job interview. You are both expected to turn up at your best because you really want to be considered for that position. You want to impress your potential employer and let him know that if you are hired, you are committed to being the best employee for the job at hand.
You have both committed much of your time, heart, money and soul into your online relationship. When the time to meet in-person finally comes and you have the opportunity to seal your commitment, it should be one of the best days in your lives! So make sure you are both oozing with enthusiasm about this exciting milestone of your online relationship! Don’t settle for anything less.
Secret #7: The ultimate most important secret to success
Loving yourself is the most important first step to finding your true love. You’ve probably heard of that old saying – if you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? Nothing can be further from the truth.
But why is it so true?
Because if you don’t love yourself, you will not accept yourself for who you are, what you stand for, where your boundaries are in terms of how you want to be treated, loved, respected, and so on.
If you don’t love yourself, you will settle for ‘less’ even though deep down inside yourself, you suspect that you must deserve something or someone else better.
If you believe that finding a mate would make everything in your life right, you’ll be in for a very nasty disappointment because they will not resolve your relationship with yourself.
Let me explain: loving yourself isn’t about waking up every morning and repeating “I love myself” in the mirror. It’s a lot more. It demands a commitment – in fact, one as serious as your commitment to love your true love. If you are not happy with yourself and your life before you find someone to share it with, you will not be happy with yourself and your life even after you find someone to share it with! That’s because true happiness and security in yourself comes from within – not from the outside world, i.e. not from people, things or events that happen to you.
Nothing outside of you stays the same. The only thing that is constant in this world is change! People change, things change, and situations change. So if you derive your sense of security from people, things or situations, you will always be in danger of becoming gravely disappointed. When you’re not happy with yourself and your life, your lack of happiness and security on the inside will manifest on the outside. There will be no gleam in your eyes, no bounce in your gait, no enthusiasm for life, and no appreciation for the things around you that can make you smile – all because you will be too consumed with yourself and your plight. That’s just the way it goes. And if your unhappiness shows, you will not attract your potential true love.
For the rest of us who have already found our true love, the same danger stands. The cycle of life reminds us that what and who we are, and have today, will someday be gone. And the final outcome of being alone again can still very much become a reality.
Ultimately, life, and everything else on this earth, is temporary and is in a constant state of change. If you derive your happiness and security from your true love and the things around you, what will happen to your happiness and security when your true love or your things are gone?
So what does it really mean to love yourself?
1/ Accepting yourself for whom you are
First of all, it is about accepting yourself for whom you are.
Sure, we all have flaws. I know I have many of them! Perhaps you wish you were more attractive, slimmer, or that you were more assertive. Or maybe you wish you held a more powerful position at work, or that you were more popular; or that you were born of a different ethnic background. Whatever your ‘flaws’ are, you have to accept them as part of who you are.
Don’t you feel the slightest honor that on this earth of almost 7 billion people, there is only one you? And no one else has the role of being you, but you?
I don’t know about you, but I sure feel quite unique and special when I think about myself this way. So since you have to live out the rest of your life with yourself and those ‘flaws’ of yours, you might as well just accept yourself and your ‘flaws’, and live out your life as best as you can! Because there is really nothing you can do about most of them. Your ‘flaws’ make you a unique individual.
2/ Knowing what you stand for, and against
When you love yourself, you understand what you stand for, and what you stand against. You know exactly how you treat others, and how you expect others to treat you. The same goes with love and respect: you know how you love others, and how you expect others to love you. And you know what you respect in others, and how you expect others to show you respect.
Do you see something powerful here?
When you love and accept yourself for who you are, and understand what you stand for, you can control the direction of your life. This means that when you feel you are not treated well; or when you are not loved the way you expect to be loved; or when you are not given the respect you feel you deserve, you do not tolerate it. You maintain happiness and security in your own life by simply knowing where you stand when it comes to life, people, love, events, etc. You simply will not allow yourself to associate with anyone or anything that is demoralizing, destructive, or degrading because you just won’t stand for it. You will distance yourself from abusive relationships, meaningless events in life, unfulfilling jobs, and so on, because you know you deserve a lot more.
Do you see something else powerful here that will help you become successful in your search for your true love?
When you love and accept yourself for who you are, and are secure in yourself, you will know exactly how you will treat, love and respect your true love. In other words, you will be the true love for that special someone out there too! So it becomes a wonderful relationship of mutual love and respect – one that will endure the trials of every relationship.
When I started searching for that special someone, I was far from loving and accepting myself. So I didn’t quite understand where my boundaries were with respect to how I wanted to be treated, loved and respected. In fact, I didn’t even determine what type of person I was looking for to share my life with. My lack of self-esteem did not help me believe that I deserve someone really special. Deep down inside, I really thought that “someone special” usually ends up with someone else. No, I should be so lucky!
I challenge you to love, accept and understand yourself and believe in what you stand for. Determine your boundaries on how you want to be treated, loved and respected before you embark on this exciting journey in search of your true love. Even if you applied all of the other six secrets and tips for online dating success as I have covered here, but neglect to take this Ultimate Secret seriously, you will not be successful in your search for your true love – online or in-person.
Please, I urge you to invest in yourself first, and you will be successful in finding your true love.
